Episode 102. Why do couples fight on vacation?

 

Podcast Summary and Show Notes

Have you ever gone on a great vacation with your partner and ended up having a fight?  It's a common problem.  But it's so frustrating and confusing. In this episode, I'll explain why that happens and how to avoid it on your next vacation.  So instead of fighting, you can spend your time having fun, being together, and having some great vacation sex.

My name is Jacob Brown, and I'm a Couples Therapist in San Francisco.  To learn more, visit:

Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):

Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's therapist in San Francisco. I wanna welcome you to sex love and couple's therapy. We all want to feel loved. That's a universal desire, but sometimes instead of feeling loving our relationships, feel confusing, frustrating, and a little crazy making the purpose of this podcast is to help you clear up some of that confusion so that you and your partner can find ways to make your relationship feel closer, more connect in, more loving. So stay tuned. We've got a lot of great stuff to talk about, and now let's go talk about my three favorite topics, sex love and couples therapy.

Speaker 1 (01:00):

Today's topic is why did couples fight on vacation? Now that may seem kind of frivolous, but in fact, this is a really big issue and I see it all the time in my, uh, couple's therapy practice couples really look forward to going out on vacation together without the kids. They dream about all the stress free time, just hanging out by the pool, spending time with the, our partners, romance, sex, intimacy, fun. It just sounds great. And yet, somehow for some reason, so many couples come back from these wonderful vacations feeling disappointed and unhappy. And today we're gonna try and figure out why is that that happens and how we can avoid it. So your next couple vacation is a wonderful experience instead of a bad memory.

Speaker 1 (01:55):

I wanna start by talking about a concept that may seem a little counterintuitive, which is the idea that closeness, that emotional intimacy can really be hard couples often talk about their desire to feel closer and more connected, more emotionally intimate, but while they say they wanna be more emotionally close, all that intimacy can sometimes just be difficult to handle. Some of us are very a comfortable and open to closeness while others may feel more comfortable with a little distance, neither approach is right or wrong. These are just different styles. Simply reflect who we are as a person, our personality, the experiences good and bad that we've had in our life and how we feel about being in a, but the problem comes when you view your style as the right one and your partner style as the wrong one, then instead of accepting and embracing your partner for who they are, the two of you engage in an ongoing battle to convince the other that they need to be different, that they need to change their style, to be more like your style. And all I can say about that is good luck. How you accept deal with your partner, having a different relationship style than you do. It's interesting, but nowhere is that struggle to adapt or accept each other's relationship style more in your face than when the two of you are on vacation. And that's because when you're at home in your usual routine, you don't is the conflict and styles nearly as much.

Speaker 1 (03:43):

You've worked out how to balance the time when you feel close in the times, when you feel more independent, separate time is built into your life. Already. You go to work to the gym, out with a friend, spend time on your hobbies. And at the same time, your emotionally and physically intimate time is also well established. You have sex on Saturday mornings. You go out to dinner on Friday nights, you stay home and watch movies on Wednesdays. You cook a special dinner on Sunday and you check in with each other in the afternoon every day at work. So you've kind of worked out this balance close time, intimate time and separate time, a little distance, but when you're on vacation, all that structure falls away. And it's just the two of you. There are no guardrails to help you or your partner stay in your own lane, nor is there any scaffolding to help you be more connected.

Speaker 1 (04:40):

So instead of easily moving between kind of these wonderful opportunities to do some things alone, maybe you go off on a spa day and other things together, afternoon sex, or you go to a concert. Instead, the vacation becomes an endless series of discussions, debates, and negotiations about how you're gonna spend time and that inevitably results in hard feelings. And that leads to fights. And these fights feel so surprising because all you're trying to do is get closer to your partner. All you wanna do is feel close and have a good time together. But somehow when they don't respond, the way hoped you end up feeling hurt or abandoned or alone, and this happens over and over and over again.

Speaker 1 (05:46):

So let's give an example of a fight that might happen. I'll call this fighting while sitting by the pool. So you can imagine a couple who are on vacation in Hawaii. They wake up on their first morning. They have that famous Polynesian breakfast buffet, and then they head out to sit by the pool and read their books. Sounds like heaven, but after about an hour or so, Charlie starts to feel restless and makes noises about going on a hike together or doing something on his let's get going. Charlie says, I don't wanna waste the whole day doing nothing. Alex, either ignores Charlie or pushes back and says something like we're in Hawaii. Why can't you just relax and enjoy yourself like a normal person within five minutes. They're then deep into a fight a few minutes after that, Charlie either storms off all by himself or drags an unhappy Alex on a hike and neither of them are happy. And neither of them quite understand what just happened.

Speaker 1 (06:54):

So this is not an unusual scene. If you hang out at the pool, you will see this happen time. And again, throughout the day and scenes like this reflect the difficulty couples have maintaining a loving connection while also feeling independent. Here are three examples of how this might play out. The first one, the first example is feeling different couples like to think that they're all, they're like two peas in a pod, comfortable and compatible, but in many relationships, the partners have different relationship styles. Just like we talked about earlier. And these styles reflect who they are as people and their attachment styles, you know, kind of how they attach to each other, how they deal with, with loving relationships. One may seem to always be trying to get closer to the other while the partner feels more comfortable with a little distance and that tug of war between getting closer and establishing distance really has a tendency to create fights.

Speaker 1 (07:57):

And then when you have some event like reading of the pool highlights this difference, it is the replay of so many previous fights and it really kind of stimulates them. And it one reminds them of all the ways in which the two of your them are different. Two, the feeling of being different from your partner makes them feel a little anxious or hurt. And when you become anxious about your primary relationship, naturally feel less connected. You sense that something is wrong. And then depending on your relationship style, you either clamor for more closeness or you pull away either way, both strategies of, of trying to get closer or pulling away result in your partner, feeling further away. And when you feel disconnected from your partner, anything, and I mean, anything can turn into a fight.

Speaker 1 (08:54):

Now, the next way that this show itself is in the idea of feeling left or feeling left out, Alex talks about how much he enjoys reading by the pool. But what Alex really enjoys the most is the feeling of being close and connected with Charlie as they sit there together, the book is nice, but what's really great for Alex is sitting with Charlie. So sitting by the pool really makes a much bigger, has a much bigger meaning to Alex. And when Charlie wants to leave the pool, Alex feels hurt on an attachment level. Alex interprets this as Charlie not valuing at the connection they're having at the pool. Alex feels unloved and not important to Charlie. What Alex really wants to say is, Hey, I'm really enjoying sitting here with you. It makes me happy. And, but it really makes me feel hurt that you don't want spend time here sitting with me, but you know, that's a really kind of vulnerable and risky thing to say.

Speaker 1 (10:05):

So instead of saying that vulnerable and risky and open statement about how much he enjoys sitting with Charlie, Alex sends Charlie a zinger and he criticizes Charlie for not knowing as he puts it, how to relax like a normal person. Okay? So instead of being open and saying, it hurts my feelings that you wanna leave, he criticizes the way Charlie or Charlie is really very common. Then lastly, it's the idea of feeling unseen. Charlie relaxes by being active and sitting by the pool is not Charlie's idea of fun. Charlie does it for a while to make Alex happy and to feel close to Alex. Cuz Charlie wants to feel close to Alex too. But after about an hour, it's been enough sitting and enough closeness and Charlie needs a break. What Charlie really wants to say is, honey, I love you, but I need some alone time.

Speaker 1 (11:05):

Or I need for us to go do something more active. But Charlie, doesn't say this out of fear of hurting Alex's feelings and Charlie starts becoming anxious and a little upset. He doesn't know how to deal with his conflict. You know, he doesn't know how to communicate this with Alex. So instead of communicating these confusing and vulnerable feelings, Al comes a zinged and he accuses Alex of wasting the whole day. What Charlie really wants is for Alex to see Charlie's distress to that, he's different to accept their different styles and still feel how much Charlie loves Alex. That's what he wants, but he doesn't know how to ask for it. So instead he sends the zinger.

Speaker 1 (11:59):

So what we're really talking about is how to be different, how to accept being different and still stay close and stay together, accepting you and your partners. Different relationship style can be challeng. It is the primary issue that brings couples into couple therapy. Here are a few techniques to help you navigate these waters on your next vacation. One, talk about it before you leave. Talk about how you each have a different need for being together in separate time. You know, you can say, I really love you, but sometimes I need to go off and do things on my own. I really look forward to getting back together and telling you what I've done. You know, that's talking about both how you need some separate time and how you want to be together. Number two, get specific, talk about when you're gonna be together. And when you'll be exploring on your own, decide what activities you want to do together and which activities are better as solo adventures.

Speaker 1 (13:09):

So kind of work through that a little before you go next, be flexible. I mean, this is sounds easy, but it's actually hard. Don't get locked into your plans. Try to stay open to changing things up. When you get to the destination, recognize things are gonna be different. You know, you're gonna see something that you hadn't anticipated. Try to be as open and flexible as you can to trying new things next. Share one of the great things about doing some activities separately is that you can, then each of you can bring something new back to the relationship to put it simply it's something to talk about. That's different over dinner or over lunch. So make sure that you did that. You take the time to tell your partner about what you've done while you've been a part. This lets them share in your experience and brings you closer together.

Speaker 1 (14:06):

So it's so that's the important thing to remember go off and do something, but bring that experience back to the relationship by telling your partner about it and then focus on each other. When are together, when you're together, be together. There's a wonderful quote from a Zen monk named Han and the quote. I, I love this quote. When you love someone, the best thing you offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there, this doesn't mean that you need to be together all the time. Not at all. It does mean that when you are together, Be fully together, be there with your partner. That makes all the difference. And the last thing I'd like to talk about is how to manage this process a little better. And just how to talk about your feelings. Vacation arguments may seem like they're about pool time versus shopping or visiting a museum versus taking a hike. But that's not really what the argument is about in reality. They're about our need for both intimacy and independence. Both partners want to feel all dis deeply connected, but they need to connect in their own way.

Speaker 1 (15:41):

These are hard things to talk about. It can feel very risky to talk about your need for closeness and your need for independence, but it's a risk worth taking. You may be surprised at how talking about your differences can actually make you feel closer together. Well, that's our episode for today. I hope we found it interesting and useful, but most of all, I'd like to thank you for listening. If you have a minute, please hit the ride button and give us a rating. And I hope to see you again soon on another episode of sex, love and couples therapy.