The pain of a sexless or low sex marriage
Many couples start out their relationship with an active and happy sex life, but then see it gradually change into a sexless, or very low sex relationship. There isn’t a conscious decision to stop having sex. Instead, sex just seemed to fade away from the relationship. And before they know it, it’s been months, years, or decades since they had a meaningful sexual connection.
While the sex has disappeared, the marriage continues. And the marriage often remains loving, meaningful, happy, and strong. During this time, they may have occasional fights about sex, demands, for sex, or attempts to start having sex. But the one thing that is usually missing, is an open, loving, and honest discussion about sex. For many, it is easier to go for years without sex than to talk about sex. And the longer it remains undiscussed, the harder it is to start the conversation.
That’s where Couples Counseling comes in. It’s my job to help you have those difficult, but important, conversations.
It’s more about intimacy than about sex
It’s easy to think that sex fades away because of a loss of sexual desire. People will say that the sex became boring, repetitive or unimportant. But those are the usual excuses, especially for couples that have been together for many years. For most couples, desire remains even as the frequency of sex wanes.
What usually kills your sex life is not a loss of desire, instead, it’s a loss of intimacy, trust, and emotional connection. That loving intimacy is eroded by unresolved issues in the marriage; including resentments, unspoken feelings, shame, and disappointment. That’s why just adding a few Date Nights is not a cure for a longstanding sex problem. The solution isn’t just a romantic dinner or a night away from the kids (though that never hurts). If it was that easy, people wouldn’t need to see a Couples Therapist.
This can happen with young couples as well as with older couples and seniors. I’ve seen couples in their twenties and thirties where a fight or emotional rift has damaged trust, and their once very active sex life quickly dwindles to little or no sex. Seniors have an extra challenge, as they work to keep their sex life while navigating a host of changes to their bodies and abilities. Unless they’re able to talk about these physical, hormonal, and emotional changes, the shame and fear of disappointment will often cut off their sexual connection.
Re-opening the door to sex
Creating a meaningful sexual connection isn’t so much about rekindling desire as it’s about rekindling intimacy and reconnecting as a couple. The path back to having a lasting sexual relationship comes through building trust and intimacy. The willingness to listen, heal old wounds, share feelings, and tell your partner what you’ve been too angry, shy, or ashamed to say.
As you move closer, reconnect, and re-engage as a couple, you open the door to bringing sex back into your marriage.
Next steps
If you want to bring sex back into your relationship and think you could use some help, I hope you’ll give me a call. I’d be happy to set-up a free 30-minute Zoom consultation. My office is in San Francisco and Marin, and I see clients from anywhere in California by phone or Zoom.
Here are some blog posts on related topics that you might find useful.
Talking about sex - conversation starters for couples
Senior Sex: Focusing on intimacy not intercourse