105. Senior Sex. Focusing on intimacy.

Podcast Summary and Shownotes

In this episode, we're going to talk about how you can have a meaningful and important sex life no matter how old you are. The idea that seniors aren't interested in sex or stop having sex is a lie. Older adults and older couples are very interested in sex. Sex, emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy are important parts of our lives and our relationships no matter what your age.

Many older adults feel a deep sense of shame about their aging bodies, and they find it very difficult to talk openly and honestly with their partner about sex. For many, it's easier to give up on sex than to talk about it.

My name is Jacob Brown and I'm a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. To learn more you can visit:
My Blog
My Website
Article on When Couples Stop Having Sex

Podcast Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):

Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's therapist in San Francisco. I wanna welcome you to sex love and couple's therapy. We all want to feel loved. That's a universal desire, but sometimes instead of feeling loving our relationships, feel confusing, frustrating, and a little crazy making The purpose of this podcast is to help you clear up some of that confusion so that you and your partner can find ways to make your relationship feel closer, more connect, to do more loving. So stay tuned. We've got a lot of great stuff to talk about, and now let's go talk about my three favorite topics, sex love, and couples therapy.

Speaker 1 (00:59):

Hi, and today we're gonna talk a little, little bit about senior sex. What I mean about by that is sex for people who are, let's say in their sixties or seventies or eighties, or I've had clients in their nineties that are still sexually active. So we're gonna talk about the challenges of senior sex and dealing with changing bodies. Okay. I think it's a really interesting topic and it may not be relevant to you today, but one of these days you two are gonna be a senior wanting to have sex. So listen in now the truth is the world doesn't like to talk about senior sex. You know, people just get that feeling that used to have when you were a, and you thought about your parents having sex, that just kind of, Ugh, and that's just the way it is the world doesn't like to talk about or think about older adults.

Speaker 1 (01:54):

Having sex people would prefer to pretend that older couples don't have sex. They don't want sex. They don't even want to think, think about sex, but for those of us who are 65 or older, we know that's just not the truth. Older couples think about sex. They want sex. They miss sex. If they're not having it, they need sex. Sex remains an important part of their lives of everyone's life. No matter what their age, whether you're having sex or not. The idea of sex is a part of every relationship, every intimate relationship that you might be in no matter what your age, but we, the truth is we live in, in an age of society. That means we live in a kind of a, a youth oriented beauty oriented society. And it makes it hard for people who are older to talk about sex, but we're gonna do that now for couples in their sixties, seventies, eighties, and beyond the desire for sex.

Speaker 1 (03:00):

Doesn't just disappear. Men and women want and need to experience a physical expression of intimacy, close closeness and love, no matter what, their age on another podcast. I talked about sex being kind of a language of the relat it's the vehicle or one of the vehicles that the partners use to both express love and connection and closeness, and to receive or experience love, and connection and closeness. And that language of love doesn't go away just because you've gotten older and the need for physical and emotional intimacy is central to what makes us human. It's literally hardwired into our DNA to have relationships and to feel connected and close and sex for older couples is just as important as it is for younger couples. It's different, absolutely different, but is important. But while the desire for some form of physical connection, is there older couples also have to accept and adjust to the reality that their bodies have changed with age senior sex is different from sex in your twenties and thirties.

Speaker 1 (04:16):

It's just the truth. And as we move from running to walking or from singles tennis to doubles tennis, as we age, the way we experience sex has to reflect how our bodies work or in some case don't work today. And one of the biggest problems is people feel a deep sense of shame that they can't have sex the way they used to, maybe not as often or not that same kind of level of passion or physically, they can't do what they used to be able to do. And instead of seeing that as a part of the aging process and accepting it, they experience that as shame and that shame men that really gets in the way of having and enjoy a sex life at every age, younger or older, talking about sex is the gateway to having better sex. But unfortunately talking about sex can be really difficult for people.

Speaker 1 (05:14):

You know, the other day, I saw an article on the best positions for senior sex, and I think that's just a pretty stupid in ridiculous article as if having good sex is just about the physical position you're in. You know, and also it's kind of ages because I guarantee they'd never write an article about the best position for sex in your thirties, such that they just wouldn't even think about that. And it assumes that somehow all seniors and senior bodies and senior attitudes are the same, you know, and there's no such thing as the best position for older couples to have sex. There's only what works for you as a couple. And the most important part of finding out what works for you as a couple is a willingness to talk about sex and talk about what's working and what isn't what's happening. And what's is what isn't and what it's like to be together.

Speaker 1 (06:07):

But talking about sex is much easier, said than done. We've all grown up with so many taboos around our bodies and said X, that it can really be hard to communicate. It's sad, but many older couples, actually many couples of all ages have stopped having sex, even though both partners want to have sex. And the barrier isn't physical it's that one or both partners are just too embarrassed or feel too much shame to admit to their partner, that things have changed and they can't perform the way they used to perform, or they don't feel the way they used to feel. Instead of talking about it. They'll just say, I don't want to, I can't, we're too old. I've given up that part of my life deeper and more conversation is too scary, too risky, too vulnerable, and brings up too much shame when you're younger, sex is all about intercourse.

Speaker 1 (07:09):

Everything else is just foreplay. But as we age, traditional intercourse may no longer be an option. Many, a postmenopausal women experience, painful intercourse that just can't be solved medically, no matter how much lube they use. And many older men have trouble maintaining, even with medication, they can't maintain an erection. And it's the same for orgasms when you're younger, good sex means everybody has an orgasm that may not always be the case for older men and women, many older men and women have trouble reaching orgasm. It's just a physiological change. So while sex for older couples is different. That doesn't mean it can't be good sex. And it doesn't mean it's not important and meaningful for both partners and for the relationship. You know, I don't believe these claims. I sometimes read that sex after 60 is better than sex in your twenties. Eh, I'm not sure I buy that, but I do know that older couples can have an active, meaningful, and satisfying sex life, but it requires that they open their mind, let go.

Speaker 1 (08:19):

Of some of their prejudice says, let go of some of the shame and share their feelings with their partner. And I also know that that's not easy. It's just not easy, but that opening of feelings and sharing with your partner about sex is really the gateway to better sex or more, or feeling closer and more connected. One of the ways I look at that is that senior sex is about shifting from sexual intercourse to sexual intimacy. So what does sex mean if intercourse can't happen or orgasms aren't assure things, or sometimes it works or sometimes it doesn't. So what is sex then if you're older? Well, that is the core question that every older CU couple must do their best to address openly honestly, and leveling lovingly. And the answer will be different for each couple. There's no such thing as the right kind of sex or the, what is the good sex versus bad sex.

Speaker 1 (09:26):

This is something that the couple works out together, and it comes through a discussion in which each person must find compassion themselves, their body, as well as for their partner, cuz it's only through compassion for ourselves and our partner that we can truly accept the changes that have been taking place in our bodies. And until we accept the way things are now, we can't really enjoy this sex that we're having now to its fullest. Cuz we're always thinking that it's bad sex or not as good sex, or I wish I had the old kind of sex and man, that's just a waste of time by accepting what is now we can enjoy what is now to, to its fullest. So depending on how the couple's bodies and attitudes and how they operate, some couples may move from defining sex as sexual intercourse to sexual intimacy.

Speaker 1 (10:24):

Sexual intimacy is physical intimacy that may or may not include intercourse or orgasms holding stroking, touching, kissing, loving. These are at the core of sexual closeness and sexual intimacy. These are the elements that the relationship can't live without this closeness actually generates a hormonal response called oxytocin that changes brain chemistry and makes us feel happier and more content. We don't need to be having intercourse and orgasms to get that, but we do have to have sexual and emotional intimacy and often our shame over the way we can or can't operate sexually gets in the way and prevents us from being able to have sexual and emotional intimacy. And if we can't have that, we lose so much physical intimacy is vital to the health of the relationship, whether it has sexual intercourse in it or not that physical intimacy, that emotional intimacy is a core part of the relationship.

Speaker 1 (11:34):

It is a meaningful, intimate and deeply satisfying experience. Whether either partner has an orgasm or not, we all love orgasms, but as human beings, we crave closeness and connection that closeness and connection that need for that emotional intimacy is way beyond the need for actual intercourse, but adapting our sex life to be in sync with our older bodies requires courage. The courage to change the courage, to be open the courage, to accept the courage, to be honest and vulnerable with our partner to open up and talk about this, we have to open our minds and get away from the idea that if it's not traditional intercourse, then it's not really sex. That path only leads to dissatisfaction and loneliness. The evolution of sexuality is not really a glass half fuller glass, half empty issue. It's except thing that it's a different kind of glass and this new glass is full and wonderful as it is.

Speaker 1 (12:40):

It's true that we may feel sadness or grief over the loss of what our sex lives used to be like, but we can't let that loss get in the way of being open to a new sexual life that is different, but the important, vibrant and satisfying talking to your partner about what sex is like today, what you would like, what you can do, what you wanna do, what it feels like to be together. That's the gateway to having a wonderful, intimate, emotionally connected relationship. It's not about how big the erection, how many times you do it or what kind of sex you're having. It's about forming that intimate connection. That's what makes the relationship meaningful. I hope you found that. Interesting. I hope you found it useful. I really would appreciate if you leave me a comment or some thoughts. Thanks so much. Well, that's our episode for today. I hope we found it interesting and useful, but most of all, I'd like to thank you for listening. If you have a minute, please hit the subscribe button and give us a rating. And I hope to see you again soon. On another episode, episode of sex, love and couples therapy.