Take the Childhood Emotional Neglect Test
Were your parents emotionally unavailable?
When you look back on your childhood, were you well cared for physically, but you still wonder if there was something missing from your childhood? Do you sometimes wonder if you were really loved? Or loved in the right way? These are signs that you may have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect.
When we think of childhood neglect, we picture an abused child, physically deprived, beaten, and mistreated. And, tragically, that situation is very real for far too many children. But there is another form of childhood abuse that is much less obvious, but actually much more common than physical abuse. That’s childhood emotional neglect.
Creating a Secure Attachment
Children are born with a built-in drive to connect physically and emotionally with their caregivers. It is a core survival instinct. It’s in our DNA. Evolution has taught us that the better the bond we form with our parents, the more likely we are to survive both physically and emotionally. When the parent and child achieve this bond, it’s called a Secure Attachment.
When this Secure Attachment is achieved, the child feels emotionally cared for, and is able to go out into the world, and take risks (both emotional and physical), knowing that the parent is there to take care of them. For this secure attachment to take place, the parent, or caregiver, must be able to connect with the child both physically and emotionally. They must be able to attune themselves to the child's needs and respond to the child’s needs in a way that fits the child. And, most importantly, they need to be able to do that consistently. They don’t have to be perfect, but they have to be “good enough”.
The impact of emotionally unavailable parents
Unfortunately, in some cases, the parent and child are unable to create a Secure Attachment. It may be circumstances (war, poverty, illness, drug abuse, etc.), or the parent may suffer from some form of emotional illness (e.g., depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, etc.). But the most common cause is that the parents are Emotionally Unavailable to the child.
This is not their fault, they’re not doing it on purpose. They want to love and accept their child. But something within them prevents them from being able to consistently and compassionately focus on the child’s needs over their own needs.
If that Secure Attachment isn’t created, many children grow up with a deep sense of Emotional Loneliness (this is a term introduced by Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of the bestseller Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents). It’s true that their physical needs may be well cared for, but they don’t experience their parent loving them and seeing them on an emotional level. They feel emotionally alone. That sense of emotional loneliness is a form of childhood neglect.
8 signs of childhood emotional neglect
Emotional neglect as a child can have a serious impact on your emotional life as an adult. Here are 8 indications that you may have experienced childhood emotional neglect. It’s not a question of do you have all of these, but rather, does this collection of experiences seem familiar to you. Does this “feel” like you?
1. You have compassion for others, but not for yourself
2. Difficulty understanding your strengths and weaknesses
3. A persistent feeling of emptiness (as Dr. Jonice Webb says, do you often feel like you’re “running on empty”?)
4. Difficulty relying on others for help or support
5. You feel shame, guilt, and self-blame
6. You see yourself as somehow deeply flawed
7. It’s hard for you to clearly express your feelings
8. You feel you have to do things for others as a way of earning their love
If these statements feel familiar, then you should take the Childhood Emotional Neglect Quiz. You’ll find the link to the Childhood Emotional Neglect Quiz below.
The impact of childhood emotional neglect on your adult life
As the child grows into an adult, they carry that sense of loneliness with them. And, while they hate that feeling of loneliness, they often enter into Emotionally Lonely relationships. Such as marriages where they don’t feel truly loved and seen by their partner. They choose these relationships because that’s what they’re used to, it’s what they grew up with, and it feels familiar.
In this way, they continue the pattern of feeling disconnected from the people in their lives. And for many, this disconnection often leads to a deep sense of anxiety, isolation, and depression. They may feel hopeless, like no matter what they do, they feel deeply alone.
Take the Childhood Emotional Neglect Test
If you suspect that your emotional needs weren’t given the importance they needed as a child, you might benefit from taking the Childhood Emotional Neglect Test. This isn’t a foolproof diagnostic tool, but it can help you think about your childhood in a different and potentially useful way.
The Childhood Emotional Neglect Test is not a weapon to use to blame your parents. Instead, it is a way to help you understand some of the feelings of loneliness and isolation that you may have experienced your entire life.
Click here to take the Childhood Emotional Neglect Quiz
5 steps to healing childhood emotional neglect
Is it possible to heal this pattern? Yes, it is! The path to healing involves several steps.
1) Connecting with these feelings of loneliness rather than pushing them away.
2) Connect with the feelings of shame and fear that prevent you from connecting with the people in your life.
3) Recognize the ways in which you are repeatedly going to people in your life for reassurance and approval in an effort to calm these feelings.
4) Share these feelings with the important people in your life.
5) Work with a therapist trained in Attachment Theory and Childhood Emotional Neglect to help you build the emotional connections you crave.
This is not an easy task. And it takes time. But, many people find that if they do the work, they can find a deep and satisfying sense of connection with themselves and with the people in their life.
About Me
I’m a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. I focus on helping couples feel closer, more connected, and more loving. To learn more about my practice, please visit my website. I hope you enjoyed this article. Here are a few articles you might find useful on this topic.
The pain of an emotionally lonely childhood
I’m sorry: 5 Steps to a meaningful apology