Seniors and Sexuality
We live in a culture where senior sex is not a topic that most people want to discuss. Even your doctor is likely to just shrug his or her shoulders when an older patient wants to talk about sexual issues. Most will just push Viagra for older men and give older women a lecture on using extra lube. My clients tell me that their doctors don’t really want to talk about sex.
It’s not surprising, our culture dismisses or ridicules the idea of older couples having sex. They like to think that once you get older, sex is no longer a part of your life. But nothing could be further from the truth. Older couples need sex, want sex, and can enjoy sex just as much as younger couples.
But, while it’s important to remember that seniors are vital and active sexual beings, it’s also important to understand that senior sex is different from sex when you’re younger. Sex for older couples carries its own set of physical, emotional and relationship challenges.
In working with Senior Sex, there are three primary goals:
Learning to talk about sex
Reigniting sexual desire
Reconnecting sexually
Talking about sex
Once you start hitting your 60’s your body starts to change. Most couples are very good at working out how to live with these changes. They know that he can’t lift anything anymore, or she has trouble remembering, but he has better night vision, etc.
But all that easy cooperation seems to go out the window when they have to deal with changes in the bedroom. They may have been together 30, 40 or 50 years, yet even after all those years, talking about sex can be excruciatingly difficult for many couples. It can feel uncomfortable, embarrassing, and in some cases dangerous.
And rather than talk about the changes, couples will often just limp along as their sex life continues to decline. Feeling that its easier to deal with no sex, than to open up and talk about it.
Reigniting desire
Often couples will come to therapy saying that “the thrill is gone” or “there’s no desire anymore” or “they’ve lost interest in sex”. In my experience, that is usually just a smokescreen. Desire is still there. But emotional debris, unresolved conflicts, hurt feelings, disappointments are blocking desire.
In therapy we work to identify some of this emotional baggage and work through the key issues Through this process we clean up some of the debris and open a clear channel of communication. And once communication is established, and the couple can reconnect emotionally, then desire will often return naturally.
Reconnecting sexually
Accepting that things have changed can be a very freeing process. You can let go of the old, and embrace what is possible today. In some cases, traditional sex may no longer be possible. He may not be able to sustain an erection, she may find intercourse too painful, etc. But while intercourse may no longer be in the cards, sexual intimacy is always available.
Each couple can build their own definition of sex and sexual intimacy. It may involve very sexual acts, or it may be simple holding, kissing, and stroking, or a mix of the two. But these intimate connections are deeply meaningful, important and satisfying. Intercourse is just one way to achieve this level of intimate connection.
Next steps
If you want help navigating a new path to sexual intimacy, I hope you’ll give me a call. I’d be happy to set-up a free 20 minute phone consultation to help you decide if I’d be a good fit. My office is in San Francisco and Marin, and I see clients from anywhere in California by phone or video.
You might enjoy reading these blog posts: